I've always been the quiet type. Mostly introverted, I think I went through most of my high school years with my nose in a book. I've grown and learned a lot in the intervening years, and now I can carry on a conversation with nearly anyone without thinking twice about it. In some ways, though, I am much the same person ... I like doing things I can work on mostly on my own, and helping out in ways that involve little to no fanfare. It's part of the reason I love research, and writing ... because I can do things I enjoy, but I do them mostly on my own. I occasionally teach a children's Bible class at church, but I'm not really comfortable doing it, because I'm not one who likes to be out in front of people ... I'd rather do my helping and encouraging of other people by listening when they need it, or cooking a meal to help out.
So what has this got to do with parenting? Well, a lot, actually.
Yes, I grew and matured in the years after I left school, but in all the ways that really mattered I was mostly the same person I had always been ... until I had children. Suddenly, I was in a world that I had no experience with. I couldn't even fall back on things like baby sitting, since I'd only ever done that job once. Somehow watching an 8-month-old for two or three hours (most of which time he was sleeping) hardly prepared me for keeping track of a family. And then almost nine years ago I brought my first child home from the hospital. Here I was, a mother ... the job I'd always wanted, and yet it was a nerve-wracking crash course in "Ack! What do I do now?" Sometimes it felt more like a demolition derby than a job well done. Sometimes it still does.
I have a one page article from a local magazine hanging on my refrigerator. It's been there for years, and once in a while I try to go back to it to remind myself of what this is all about. It is called "The Butterfly Effect", and the basic crux of the article is learning to change your life from something you don't like to something you do ... one thing at a time. You find some aspect of your life that you are unsatisfied with, and then you go about changing it to what you want it to be ... a little at a time, like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. When you've accomplished that goal, you go on to the next thing, until your life becomes more of what you want it to be.
It's a lesson I'm continually learning as a parent. We learn a lot of things as we are growing up and attending school, but parenting is not one of them. Our children don't come with instruction books, and each child is different, so sometimes what applies to one doesn't apply to another. We can learn from our own parents (if we are fortunate), but those lessons have to be tempered by our own lives, situations, and priorities. We are trying hard to raise our children, but at the same time we are being required to grow as a parent.
Sometimes these lessons come from family, sometimes they come from something we read or hear, sometimes they just come from the experience of day to day life with our own family. I remember thinking several years ago that I felt like all I ever did was spend my days being angry and frustrated and yelling at my kids for their actions. That's not how I wanted to be remembered by my children when they were grown. So, I started an internal campaign to change things. It was a long, hard fight for me, but things have changed a lot. There are still times when I yell at my children, but they are much fewer and farther between now ... because of this, they are happier and so am I. I am much more relaxed as a parent with my third child than I ever was with my first, and I hope that carries over into how I care for all the members of my family now, each and every day.
Because of my family's medical history, I know it is possible that one day, perhaps long before I am ready, I may begin to lose my abilities to remember things, even the people I love most. But whether that happens or whether it doesn't, I am determined that I will grow as a parent ... I will do my best to become that beautiful butterfly my children will remember fondly. And with God's help, while I am growing I will be able to teach my own children these lessons, so that they can form beautiful wings of their own.
