Perspectives

I've mentioned before how having my boys has sometimes made me stop and change my perspectives on things. I don't know if I can really even put my finger on what it is, but sometimes when you're having a bad day or just need a smile, taking a look at things through the eyes of your child can help a lot. I've had many times when I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown, only to have one or another of the boys say something silly, and suddenly I was smiling and relaxed again. I think it's amazing how kids can do that for you, if you let them.

What I didn't know, though, is that sometimes they can provide that perspective without ever even knowing it. I pondered this a few days ago, as my husband and I celebrated our anniversary. I feel that I have been incredibly blessed in my mate, and I am ever so thankful to have him. I love being able to share a day with him (typically while the kiddos go to Grandma's), and do whatever occurs to us, whether it's going to a movie, or eating somewhere besides McDonald's, or whatever. It reminds us both of the special time that we got to spend together before the house and the children came along, and gives us a chance to recharge our batteries and reinforce our love for each other.

For a number of years, it's also been a faintly bittersweet day for us. Many of the folks that know us probably wouldn't even be aware of it. But back before our oldest child was born we lost a baby ... and we lost it on our 3rd anniversary. There's still a bit of an ache there, especially for me, because being a Mommy is such a big part of my life. I miss the little one that I never got to hold, and regret that, because it was too tiny for us to know gender, I never even got to give it a name. At the time, I felt as though my joy had died, and I didn't know how or if I'd get it back. It was a really difficult time, and although it is some easier now, it still touches me each year on our anniversary, or Mother's Day, or whatever else happens to remind me.

But I suppose that's where the perspective part comes in, and that is a large part of what has helped my heart try to heal. You see, if that child had lived, my husband and I would not have been blessed with the child I call my oldest son now. I would have known that child, but not have known the boy that I now call by my beloved Grandfather's name. The boy who is tender and loving, the boy I sometimes call "my C3PO", because with him everything seems to trigger melodramatics of one sort or another. I wouldn't have gotten to take pride in his abilities and roll my eyes at his antics, to laugh out loud at his "upper and lower case ambulances" and every other unique thing he has come up with in his almost 8 years. I would have had one child, and missed out on another that I love dearly.

Sometimes, your heart learns perspective from your children not because of what they say or do, but just because they are.

Back to school

Well, it's here ... the kid's first day back at school this fall. I have to admit that with it only being the middle of August, it doesn't really SEEM like fall, but that's another story.

I have two children in school this year. How is that possible? Seems like I'm still getting used to Glenn being in school, and now Matthew's going to Kindergarten. On Saturday, Ryan will turn three. It's almost beyond comprehension. What happened to those tiny babies I brought home from the hospital?

The kids were really excited about going to school today. They've been practically bouncing off the walls the last few days, but then I have to admit that they've been practically bouncing off the walls nearly all summer. I'm glad they're back to school, as well. I like for them to be able to learn new things, and interact with friends and other adults. I like to see their abilities grow and see them get excited about all the new pieces of information they come home with. And, in what seems like a most "un-Mommy-like" fashion, I'm glad to get them out of the house for a little while.

I have a friend who has decided to home-school her Kindergarten aged daughter this year. I admire her determination, but know that there's no way I could do it. Don't get me wrong ... I love my children very much. I like to be with them and to do things with them. There are times, though, especially over their summer vacation, when I begin to feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water in an ocean of mayhem and insanity. I used to look forward to nap-time, but now two of the three are too old for naps (at least every day!), so I'm grateful for school time, which lets us all get a little breathing room from each other. It's amazing how much more relaxed my morning has been this morning, and I'm determined to make the most of the quiet time with the little one and even though I know it will feel like a pair of tornadoes has touched down when my older boys get off the school bus, I feel more prepared for it.

It's a strange thing ... I'm glad they're there, but I miss them because they aren't here. A day in the life of a Mommy.