It Doesn't Take Much

One thing that is readily apparent as I parent from day to day is the fact that it often doesn't take much when it comes to our kids ... either good or bad.

For instance, here about a week ago I got up on a Sunday morning and took a shower as I usually do. I opened the door to come out of the bathroom and get dressed to find my 6-year-old standing there right outside the bathroom door, still looking like he was half asleep. I gave him a mild scolding for coming in there while I was undressed, because we've been trying to teach him that there are parts of people's bodies that they need to keep private. (It's kind of a shame that kids have to learn about things so early anymore, but there you are.) At any rate, he immediately burst into tears and turned to leave the room. When I asked him why he was crying, he said, "I just wanted to tell you good morning!" I told him, "Ok, give me a minute to get dressed, and then you can tell me good morning."  I felt awful about the whole thing on the one hand, and wanted to laugh about it on the other. He probably wouldn't have responded quite that way if he'd been more awake, but it also reminded me again rather abruptly that even the most simple things you do and say can affect your children. Once I was dressed we sat and talked, and I tried again to explain about privacy, and that just because I didn't want him coming in there when I was getting out of the shower didn't mean I didn't want to tell him good morning, it just meant he needed to be patient for a minute while I got dressed. He was fine after a bit, of course, but I'm still thinking about it days later.

Praise is an easy way to make your kids happy. I think about my youngest, for instance, who will be two later this week, and the fact that he loves to go and sit on the potty because his older brothers are doing it. When he has a success we do a happy dance and share big hugs, and he's on cloud nine. No worries about potty charts or anything else at this stage ... he just loves the extra attention. It makes me ponder the families out there that can't really be bothered paying attention to their kids. They put them in daycare when they're tiny, ignore them when they get home because there's too many other things to do, shove them into a million different activities when they're older, and wonder why they don't turn out acting quite like they think they should have. I realize that's not true of people across the board, but come on people, use some common sense. These are YOUR children, and they want to be with YOU. Just be careful what you say and do around them, or they may turn out more like you than you wanted them to!

The Power of Tears

You know, as a Mommy, I’ve seen my share of tears from my kids. Tears of frustration, tears for hurt feelings and hurt body parts, tears that are all for show, because they aren’t getting what they want. Every once in a while, though, the power of their tears takes me by surprise.

Yes, I’m the typical Mommy (or at least I think I am). I know when their tears are just indicators of a tantrum. I know that for some hurts, Mommy kisses will dry them almost immediately, and they’ll get back to what they are doing. I also know that sometimes, when the hurts are genuine and painful, like splits to the head or knees or whatever else, sometimes it takes more cuddling and kisses than the typical bumps and bruises. Once in a while, though … once in a very great while, they nearly cause tears in Mommy as well.

I had that experience several months ago with my middle son. He is, at four, sometimes still very much in his “terrible twos.” Tantrums and meltdowns are commonplace in his world, and so I’m greatly accustomed to his loud angry wails about one thing or another. That is why this particular day was so unique. I was chastising him, yet again, about something that he was doing that he had been told time and again NOT to do. I left the room for a moment, and when I returned he was standing where I had left him, making not a sound, but with tears streaming silently down his face. It made my heart lurch. He never cries quietly, and because I work really hard to choose my words carefully with my children, I knew I hadn’t said anything that should have been particularly hurtful. We sat and talked for a few minutes, shared a hug, and then he went on his way. But somehow the memory of those silent tears catches me off guard even now. I never knew why they came or why they went, but they certainly touched my heart.

Nerves

You know, it doesn't seem to matter how your day starts out, there will always be a day here and there when everything under the sun is going to get on your nerves, especially when it comes to your kids. I've always been one of those quiet, somewhat introverted, stick-your-nose-in-a-book-and-read-for-hours types. So how on earth did I get blessed with three energetic, boisterous little boys?

I'm not complaining about having little boys, mind you. I'm very thankful for my sons, and even more thankful that they are happy, healthy little boys with all of their energy and their quirks and everything else that makes up little boys. Remember the old rhyme? Snips and snails and puppy dog tails? Still, I have to admit that sometimes one of the biggest things that I wish for is just a few minutes of quiet time. My six-year-old, having just started school this past year, has become the typical little know-it-all. Most of the time, it's not a big deal, but trying to convince him that people really don't want him trying to tell them he knows best can be a bit of a challenge. My four-year-old, in some respects, has never left his twos. He has a tendency towards whining and meltdowns whenever something doesn't go his way, or when I try to make him do something he doesn't want to do. I remember my oldest going through all this ... I just don't remember it lasting quite this long. Maybe it's a "middle child" thing. My youngest, almost two, is pretty much a good-natured child, but he spends altogether too much time picking up his older brothers' bad habits. Needless to say, while most days around here are fairly uneventful, there are occasionally days when all three personalities converge in a massive explosion of rambunctiousness that drives this quiet-natured Mommy nuts.

I don't have any one answer to how I respond when it happens ... anything from a round of naps for everyone (including Mommy), to sending everyone to their rooms for a while, to just putting in some music or a DVD for a distraction. One of the best things in the world is when my husband comes home from work and entertains the kids where I can curl up in a hot bath with a book for about half an hour. It gives me just the re-charge time that I need to get up and go again the next day, without becoming a nervous wreck. Gotta love it!

Lesson: It is physically impossible for children not to touch things

            We have a rule for our kids that was supposed to make life easier. The rule is, “Look with your eyes, not with your fingers.” Trouble is, it’s nice in theory, but hard for little boys (and probably little girls) to put into practice. I know they learn by exploring their world, but my-oh-my don’t I wish that I didn’t have to spend every other second during a trip to the grocery store repeating, “Leave that alone. Don’t touch that. Put that back. That isn’t yours, leave it alone. Get down, that’s not to climb on. Don’t pull the tags off. Don’t slide on that. Close the freezer door, you’re letting all the cold out. Don’t play with the fruit, people don’t want you touching their food.” And so on and so on. It got so bad at one point that I threatened to put all three of them into the shopping basket, just so I could keep them corralled. Believe it or not, I even bought a package of “Chinese handcuffs” (remember those?) thinking that I might have to distract them by tying their hands together with something. I haven’t actually used them yet, but I have to admit that I have been sorely tempted at times. It would help if I could remember to actually put them in my purse …

Lesson: Patience and kindness are essential to each other

There's a reason that folks say patience is a virtue. It's because, at times, it can be so hard to come by. That can be especially true when you spend all day every day with young children. Even the most patient of parents is going to have times when they've just had it up to here with something the kids are doing, or not doing, or whatever.

Once in a while, when my husband spends an unusual length of time with the kids (on his own or not), he shakes his head and tells me, "I don't know how you do it." Well, the answer to that is relatively simple, even if putting it into practice isn't always quite so easy. My "secret", if you want to call it that, is that I discovered a long time ago that I was a lot better at being patient if I made it a point of being polite to my children. Instead of giving orders right off the bat, I will ask nicely for the kids to do whatever I want done. I always say please. If they fuss and whine about it, I just repeat the request ... KINDLY. I don't argue, I don't reason, I just repeat the request ... usually word for word. Now, I'll admit, there are times when I get exasperated with them, and times that I finally just have to demand that they do what they're told. It happens. I'm no more amazingly patient than the next parent. I just know what works for me.

There's a two-fold reason I try to be polite to my children. To begin with, I don't want them to think that all Mommy ever does it order them around and get angry with them. I want them to remember their childhoods and their time with me as something that was a very loving and secure environment. But more than that, I want them to understand that it is important to always try and be nice to people, no matter how we may feel about what is happening. Ok, so your brother took one of your toys and whacked you over the head with it ... yes, that wasn't a nice thing to do and it hurt, but you need to try and BE NICE. My grandmother always called it "being sweet". "Be sweet!" was her parting admonition to us whenever we left their home. When my husband and I were dating he asked me one time why I was so sweet. I pondered it for a split second, and then said, "I guess because my Grandma always told me I was supposed to be!" I don't know how accurate that was at the time, but it's just what I thought of when he asked.

If I'm having a particularly difficult day with the kids, I'll try to take a time-out for myself, even if it's just a few minutes. Then I'll take a deep breath, calm myself down, and admonish myself to "be sweet". It seems to help me a lot. And for that, I suppose I should say "Thanks, Grandma!"

Lesson: If folks want to give you something, be polite and take it

Now I'm not suggesting that you have to take everyone else's garbage. I've got more sense than that, and so do you. What I AM saying, is if someone offers to give you a sack full of clothes or toys, take them!  "Eeew", some folks say, "I'm not putting my kids in second-hand clothes!" My question is, WHY NOT? First of all, how fast do your kids outgrow clothes? Especially if they are younger than a year old? The answer to that question is often "before I even realize they've grown into them!" Uh-huh ... and how many times to you think the prior person's bundle of joy wore them? Probably not more than about 6. So the clothes are practically new, and you are perfectly capable of washing them just like you wash your own clothes. "Yeah," you say, "but they belonged to someone else!" I'm sorry, but I have to laugh. Don't try to tell me that you NEVER in your life borrowed clothes from your parent, sibling, cousin, friend or someone you knew. EVERYONE in their life has worn someone else's clothes at some point. What's the difference? Personally, I get more than half of my kids' clothes from outside sources. Some of it is given to me, and some of it I get at Goodwill or garage sales. And since I have three boys, it gets a lot of use. A year or two back my sister-in-law brought some things over that were given to her by a co-worker. The lady must have had a son about a year older than my middle child. I probably got 8-10 sacks (and I'm talking 30-gallon trash bags, mind you) stuffed full of stuff. About 2 of them were toys, and the rest were clothes. I sorted through the toys immediately, one night after my kids went to bed, and kept about 2 or 3 things. Most of it was stuff they already had or stuff I wasn't interested in letting them have. I packed all of the rest of it right back into the sacks and took it to the nearest Goodwill store the next day. The clothes were amazing! I don't know anything about the nice lady who donated the stuff, but I know that she primarily shopped places like Gap Kids and The Children's Place, and she had enough clothes to keep triplets well dressed. I've now got about 6 big totes full of size 3T clothes ... my middle son never did even get a chance to wear them all, and now they are waiting for my younger son. Brand name clothes to fill a closet, and it was all FREE!

Long story short, I guess my point is this. if people give you something, smile and say thank you. It makes them feel good to be helping and to get stuff out of their hair, and it doesn't take long for you to go through it and decide if it's something you can use or not. If it is, great! If not, pack it right back up and donate it to someone else, or put it in that yard sale you're planning. Generosity, whatever the source, is a good thing!

Lesson: The National "Back To Sleep" campaign will make you completely insane, especially if it's your first child

I was like most first-time Moms ... I wanted to do the best of everything that I could for my first child, and stressed over the things that I felt like I didn't know. I read everything I could get my hands on, and while sometimes that was helpful, sometimes it wasn't. Case in point: the national "Back to Sleep" campaign, which stresses putting infants to sleep on their backs as a safety measure. Let me say up front that I think this is an important thing to do, and I believe that it has been a major factor in reducing the instances of SIDS (otherwise known as crib death ... where an otherwise healthy infant stops breathing and sometimes dies for no apparent reason) across the country. I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that knowing the information is both helpful and necessary. That being said, be aware that knowing it will make you completely insane, especially with your first child.

It gets drilled into your head from the first moment you start reading parenting magazines and/or talking to your doctor and various other agencies ... the baby needs to be sleeping on it's back otherwise it might stop breathing and die. You put the baby to sleep on it's back, just like you're supposed to, but the program has done more than that ... it causes you to freak out about anything and everything that affects your child's breathing. Their first cold ... nose is gunked up ... THEY CAN'T BREATHE! Panic time! Was that a cough? Do I need to stay up half the night? You'll find yourself sitting by the crib in a dark room just making sure the little one is still breathing. You'll freak out the first time the baby sleeps through the night, because something MUST be wrong! It's a nerve-wracking state to be in.

The one bright spot is that it seems to be at least some easier as they get a little older, and with each successive child. At least that's been the case with my three. I still worry about their breathing at times, because my family has a history of childhood asthma, and I suffered with it myself. Still, when my third one came along, I was pleased to find that when he had a cold I just plugged in the humidifier, angled the mattress a little bit, suctioned the gunk as well as I could, and put him back to bed. I suppose you live and learn ... it was one of those first Mommy school lessons.

Lesson: If you've had almost no sleep the night before, your kids will be up and raring to go before 7 am.

This is the one that started it all. I'd been up nearly all night one night recently with a case of food poisoning, and by the time morning rolled around I was exhausted and feeling weak, and wanted nothing more than several solid hours of sleep. So what happened? Well, since it's summer, the sun came up before 6 am. And since I have young children (and especially, perhaps, because I have boys), they were up almost as soon as the sun was. Now, we have a rule in our house ... as long it is light outside the boys are allowed to get up IF they play quietly. If they start making noises and waking other people up, they get to go back to bed. It's a good theory, but is really lost on my children. Telling them not to make noise is like telling them not to breathe. It just ain't gonna happen. Such is Mommyhood. So, I got up, but I got up thinking about Murphy's Law (you know ... the one that says if something can go wrong it will), and the lessons I have learned and am still learning in Mommy School. What better name for it, I wondered, than "Mommy School"? After all, it is nothing but on-the-job training from the minute you are first handed your little bundle of joy. You never learn it all, you just make mistakes and try again as you go along. "Wouldn't that make a good book?" I wondered ... the "Lessons I Learned in Mommy School"! Ok, so I'm not writing a book, but maybe this is a way to remember all those little lessons for myself, and maybe I can entertain someone else along the way. Welcome to Mommy School!