It's amazing the things that I once thought I needed or wanted from life that seem to have fallen by the wayside since I had children. So many things were just "normal" back then, and now I occasionally wonder what happened. I wonder where the girl I knew went, and whether I should mourn her passing. It's not that all that stuff is necessarily "better", or really "needed" at all, just that ... well, I guess things just change.
I remember a time when my husband and I both worked, and although we probably didn't budget as carefully as we could have, we had the ability to go out to eat or go to a movie when we wanted to. I even managed to save a decent down-payment on our first home, although it wasn't as much as I would have preferred. Now, money is tighter because it has to go more directions, and there is only half as much coming in. Still, my husband was blessed with a new job this past year, which has made things easier, and I've learned to budget much more effectively ... the bills are always paid, and we still eat out sometimes, although our restaurant choices have narrowed drastically. We almost never make it to the movies anymore, but the stories are just as good when they get to the library's free DVD selection as they are on the big screen. Not missing out much there.
I remember the luxury of sleeping in ... ah, now THAT I miss, at least part of the time! Now I've got three little boys who want to be up and moving with the sun, and "sleeping in" for me is usually only about 7:30 am. Still, it's a hour and a half more than I normally get, so I can't really complain.
I remember how much I enjoyed my "quiet time" ... time to just sit and read or do research or crafts with little to no interruptions. Now, I have nearly constant "little" interruptions ... I have to tell myself that they are learning and growing, and if I want them to be the kinds of young men I hope them to be, they are going to have to do most of their learning from me. If I neglect those things, someone else will take up the slack, and I may not like the results. Sometimes, like most everyone, I'd rather "do my own thing", but then I try to remind myself that soon ... much too soon ... my little ones won't be coming to me with their questions and their problems, and I need to take advantage of the time I have with them. I also find myself mindful of the time that I did not ever get to have with the little one we lost, and it helps me pull myself out of the "interruption irritation".
I remember feeling attractive, all dressed up in high heels, with my hair and nails done and my makeup on ... these days I feel ordinary, in blue jeans and a t-shirt, with my hair pulled back out of the way of little hands and projects that need doing. I'm doing good to get makeup on my face once a week for church, my hair cut a couple times a year, and I can't even remember the last time I got my nails done. I haven't really worn high heels much since the year Chris and I married, because I broke my foot that winter, and they've never been that comfortable since. My husband and my children tell me I'm pretty, and I'm thankful they think so, but I don't think of myself in that gear any more. For the most part, I've got too many other things to think about.
There are so many things ... but it boils down to my chosen perspective. Because most of all I remember this: Once I was lonely ... now I am surrounded by love. Whether it's exactly what I expected it to be or not, I am living the life I wanted to live, and I am exceptionally blessed.
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