It's been happening way too often lately. I roll out of bed in the morning and am hardly up 5 or 10 minutes before one or more of the kids is getting in trouble about something. It doesn't make for a good day for me or for them. And it makes me feel so incredibly weary. So this morning I was thinking about it.
There are so many things that contribute. My kids are kids, and boy kids at that. They're always into something, always up to things that aren't necessarily the best ideas. I try to give them some leeway and let them be kids, and still let them know that there are definite limits and boundaries that will be enforced. Besides the fact that they're kids, they're getting older, and starting to push their limits at times, which constantly requires one of two things: a reinforcement of the rules, or an honest assessment by one or both parents about whether things should be adapted as they grow. That's one of the hardest things for me to figure out sometimes, because Motherhood requires so much "on the job training".
One of the other things that has been a major contributing factor this summer has been my own emotional state. It seems like everything my kids do sets my nerves on edge, and I've been trying to be very careful about whether my irritation stems from something they're actually doing or just something going on in me. I've had ups and downs in life, like most folks, but I've never felt like I was fighting against depression until recently. Losing my Mom and dealing with all the things that come along with that has been incredibly hard. And when life seems hard, day after day, it's easy to be hard on yourself, and hard on other people. I told my husband the other day that my Mom had told me several times in the past that I was a good Mama. I was thankful she thought so at the time, but now in some ways I feel like I've lost my rudder ... like I've lost my understanding of HOW to be a Mom, because I don't have a Mom any more.
Which is what I was pondering this morning ... I found myself wondering what kind of mother I was. My mental conversation started with negatives. What kind of Mom am I when I feel like I'm constantly growling at my kids? What kind of Mom am I when it seems like it takes so much effort to do things with them, instead of wanting to bury my head in the sand and just not deal with the hassle? What kind of a Mom am I to be looking forward to the fact that they will all be going to school in less than a week, and I'll finally have a little time to myself?
The thoughts went through my mind, but they didn't stay there. If there is one thing that I have learned in the time that I've been a Mom, it's that you HAVE to be honest with yourself, even when there are problems. Maybe ESPECIALLY when there are problems. So, what kind of Mom am I?
I'm a Mom who cares. If it didn't matter to me what my kids were doing, I wouldn't find myself frustrated when they didn't do what they were told.
I'm a Mom who's involved. Feeling down makes me want to curl up and do nothing, or take a nap and just "get away from it all". But I've made it a point of doing things with my kids ... things they needed to do, or wanted to do, or just things I thought they would get a kick out of. We've been to the zoo, out riding on a train, hiking in the woods ... I've been trying to teach them to swim, how to cook, how to do laundry. Most of all, I've been trying to teach them to be kind to others and each other, and to be thankful for everything.
I'm a Mom who's real. I have good days and bad days. I have days when I'm tired and frustrated and days when I laugh and play. I'm a Mom who is doing her best to keep life on an even keel when it seems like my world has been turned upside down.
I'm not just a Mom who's fighting battles every day. I'm a Mom who's fighting a war for the hearts, minds, and souls of my children ... for their future. And though some days it makes me heart-sore and weary, I know it's what my Mom would want me to do. I sometimes see her in myself, and I try to see myself through her eyes. It's a way of holding her close to me, and finding my direction to help guide my sons. One small step in my search for peace.
